


The Weekly Yeast vol. 6: a New Era

by ebayhaunteddoll



Series: The Weekly Yeast [5]
Category: Actor RPF, Cats (2019), Music RPF, Political RPF - US 21st c., Pop Music RPF
Genre: 7/11, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Bath salts, Catharsis, Catholicism, Circle Jerk, Corpse Desecration, Dead People, Drug Use, Ejaculate, Interviews, Journalism, Mesopotamian Mythology - Freeform, Multi, News Media, Newspapers, Office Party, Oral Sex, Period Typical Attitudes, Public Nudity, Recreational Drug Use, Republican, Runway Magazine, Satan - Freeform, Sexual Content, Twilight Drive-In Movie Theater (Riverdale), Water birth, abuteral, cemetary, dunkin donuts, graves, graveyard, hard drugs, qanon, stolen valor, toothless (not the dragon)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:41:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28562229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebayhaunteddoll/pseuds/ebayhaunteddoll
Summary: Ring in the new year with Archive of Our Own's favorite gossip cumrag!
Series: The Weekly Yeast [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2041948
Comments: 7
Kudos: 6





	The Weekly Yeast vol. 6: a New Era

#    
Ayesha Erotica Says Her Hit Song "Toothless" was Inspired by Witnessing Richard Spencer Perform Fellatio on a 7/11 Employee

The biggest sleeper hit of 2014, “Toothless” by up and comer Ayesha Erotica has a more heartfelt story behind it than you would ever expect. At the 2011 Grammy Awards, Ayesha spilled it all to E! News which we are copying from now. The 50 year old star had this to say: “It all started when, on a 3am redbull run, I saw a poor boy givin’ that sweet sucklin to the assistant manager at the local 7/11. I saw that he had no teeth, and I felt so bad for him and the life he had to live. I knew that was going to be the big statement of my career: ‘she’s toothless.’”

The Yeast recently received confirmation that that dentally-challenged boy was indeed America’s collective village idiot, Richard Spencer. The PhD dropout is mostly known for his attacks against Jews and ethnic minorities online, but did you also know all of his teeth were knocked out in a tragic incident where he took too many quaaludes and fell off a dock in rural Florida after a bunch of college kids made him very, very, very sad? He also has a habit of finding underwashed reddit lurkers to pleasure orally at run-down convenience stores. In fact, Spencer has been spotted at many Sheetz and Royal Farms in America, including one where he drunkenly threw up on my boot and I wiped it off on his face.

Upon learning the boy she met so many years ago is still alive, Ayesha commented, “42 years is too old to live with such horrid rotten gums; someone needs to put him down, bitch. Are there not any Abba Kovner-sympathetic livestock vets that can put him out of his misery?” Possibly his blood, which has been claimed to be 70% bear sewage by volume, can be used in the scientific pursuit of the creation of G-d’s least favorite Homunculus. 

Ayesha sent out a request on Twitter to see if anyone could contact Spencer so she could sue him for emotional damages, but it’s unlikely he heard her. In 2017, Spencer was pushed off Twitter and joined Gab, a platform for other toothless youth, where QAnon moms can provide them with the proper diet of tasteless layered jello concoctions. As the least favorite son of an ophthalmologist, Spencer fulfills his traditional duty there as the living embodiment of what happens when you let that creep in middle school jokingly call you a “Jewess” because he’s the only person who will talk to you.

So now you know who the iconic pop character of Toothless Tina was based on. We tried to reach Spencer for comment about the name and gender change, but he only called me a “cultural Marxist” and retreated to the damp hole I found him in, smoking the tiniest joint I’ve ever seen in my life and tending to the brood of soon-to-be-hatching frog eggs embedded in his forearm. We may never truly know “Tina” himself, but one thing’s for sure: we don’t want to. 

* * *

  
  


# The YEAST Editors’ Curated List of Vengeful and Cathartic Ways to Desecrate your Rival’s Grave

We’ve all had that one friend with whom our relationship has always skewed more in the direction of I-hate-you-in-a-way-I-could-not-even-describe-in-the-presence-of-the-Tempter-of-Job than it did in the direction of friendly. You know the one. I bet you’re thinking of someone right now. I bet you’re seeing the face of the one who you wish untold misfortune and unhappiness on right now, and your subconscious is seething with the knowledge that you will never be able to act on those feelings while you both live, lest you risk the wrath of both the Earthly and Heavenly courts. 

Well, I was thinking about that person in my life, and I was thinking about how much I fucking hate them, and I figured that acting on those impulses when they’re dead can’t possibly be as bad as doing it while they’re alive. In academic theological circles this workaround is called Discount Karma, which is when the Pope is like “yeah that’s pretty awful but i guess it would have been so much worse if they were alive yeah.” And to us at the Yeast, that’s as good as permission from the Big Man Himself.

Method 1: You are going to need to start your rivalry pretty young for this one, because it requires a lot of time in the set up and material gathering. Once you have determined the location of your rival’s final resting place, start shifting from a hunter-gatherer society to a settled agrarian one. Eventually a group of specialized buildings will be established as the surplus of resources allows individuals to go into specialized careers that involve the production of goods other than those necessary for survival. As your settlement grows, encourage trade between it and other settlements. This will increase your population at a rate greater than the basic reproductive rate, and soon you will have a bustling urban community. At this point, the burial site of your enemy will be long forgotten to all but you, and you can proceed with less caution. Purchase or rent an office building and hire actors to stand around one of the meeting rooms on a religious holiday sharing shitty store bought baked goods and whatever beverages Dunkin Donuts is selling in cardboard boxes. Now your rival’s hallowed grave is the site of one of the most miserable events of a cubicle-worker’s career - the dreaded holiday office party.

Method 2: Just peeing on it and also pooping.

Method 3: Cross out their name on the tombstone and write Richard Williams the Second on it. (That means dick!)

Method 4: Build a pool on top of it and have a water birth.

Method 5: Bore a hole roughly 6 and a half feet deep into the soil, being sure to break through whatever ugly container they were buried in. Get at least 3 of your buddies and jack off simultaneously into the hole with careful aim. This method works best after some time has been allowed to pass, as the wooden lid of the coffin or casket will be easier to penetrate. Alternatively you can just stick your dick in the hole.

Method 6: Start a drive-in movie theater on top of the graveyard and only feature the Cats 2019 movie, as well as slam poetry nights hosted by the local high school Drama club.

* * *

# Katy Perry’s Breakdown of her New Song “Bathsalts” 

Earlier this week, singer-songwriter Katy Perry released a new single featuring pop monarch King Princess and Texas representative Dan Crenshaw. The song was the first time these minds have collaborated before, and it was Dan’s breakout into the music industry. Needless to say, fans of all three artists are PUMPED! Despite the flurry of fan interaction, we managed to score a one-on-one with the teenage dream herself, Katy Perry to explain some of her lyrics. For those of you who have been living under a rock and haven’t heard the song we’ll all be jamming to through quarantine, Here are the lyrics, plus annotations by Katy Herself

Katy Perry: (chorus) Bathsalts 

Bathsalts 

I take bathsalts 

Then I take my clothes off 

And eat people 

**-This song was actually inspired by my own experiences with Bathsalts. You know, I like to party a lot haha. Actually, several times I was doing bathsalts alone and I like, literally stripped and then I started like, running around on all fours and like, cannibalizing some old people. It was crazy.**

Bath salts 

Bath salts 

I abuse abuderol (sic.) 

And bathsalts 

At the same time 

King Princess: 

**-King Princess’ dad actually does own Tiffany! That’s where the naim comes from!**

My dad owns tiffany's 

He gives me tiffany's 

And bathsalts 

And i do them Because i love bath salts 

Daniel Crenshaw:

I took bath salts 

And cut my own eye out 

I never served 

I made it up sorry 

**-I think it’s so impactful that Dan chose to be a part of this. I think it’s super important to be politically aware and I think it really humanizes him. You know? Like, he’s up here being so vulnerable. Like, I think a lot of people just view politicians as like, these faceless robots in suits. And, party kids like me at home can be like “wow, he’s just like me!” you know? Like, “He does bathsalts too!”**

Katy Perry: (chorus)

Bathsalts 

Bathsalts 

I take bathsalts 

Then I take my clothes off 

And eat people 

Bath salts 

Bath salts I abuse abuderol (sic.) 

And bathsalts 

At the same time 

**-I wanted to add this part in just to show that like, we’re all together in this. Especially during these times I really wanted to just have really that sense of just togetherness.**

All: Bathsalts 

Bathsalts 

I take bathsalts 

Then I take my clothes off 

And eat people 

Bath salts 

Bath salts 

I abuse abuderol (sic.) 

And bathsalts 

At the same time

Shortly after the facetime interview, Katy Perry collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. 

  
  



End file.
